Candidate Law Client Crisis!

(Springfield, IL, 1860) The campaign of Republican presidential candidate Abraham Lincoln is reeling as it confronts the release of records of the clients he represented in Illinois over the years. Political experts reacted with horror at the extensive list of murderers, horse thieves, gamblers, adulterers, kidnappers and even businesses represented by the Republican nominee.

A spokesperson for Democratic presidential nominee Stephen Douglas responded to news of Lincoln’s clients in a statement released by the Douglas campaign: “This is about character and it is clear that ’Honest Abe’ is nothing of the sort. In one case he charged the community bank $25 for quieting title to the property of the widow Jones. His claims to represent the middle class are belied by his work to secure patents for steamship operators. Lincoln is a hypocrite and a liar and also a lawyer.” The Douglas campaign demanded that Lincoln release all records pertaining to the infamous “chicken bone case,” including the dried bones Lincoln used to illustrate how the bones of a tough old chicken might break more easily than those of fresh poultry. When the Lincoln campaign declined to release the bones or the bird, the Douglas campaign accused Lincoln of eating the evidence.

Political observers reacted with the shock sought by this reporter when confronted by the evidence against the Republican nominee. Pollsters reported substantial erosion in Lincoln’s support among the key demographic of white males, the only citizens allowed to vote.

The Lincoln campaign released a statement that began “One-half score and a few years ago, I had a wife and children and no job. Under the circumstances I thought I should take the clients who needed my help rather than rely on the safety net, which doesn’t exist yet anyway.” The Democrats then attacked Lincoln with a new ad charging him with violating the separation of church and state for the obvious reference to Psalms 90.

Amid rumors swirling that he would have to drop out of the race an exhausted Lincoln was spotted leaving a Springfield hotel last night after a meeting with party leaders, political consultants, fund-raising bundlers, and Super PAC contributors. When asked for a comment he said merely “I had hoped that this campaign would be about arresting the spread of slavery.”